Sometimes I wonder was it really just “another bad night” or am I a bad mom?
My patience runs thin with my three year old daughter. I don’t hit her, and I rarely yell, however I get angry – and quick. She wakes up in the middle of the night and has to pee, and she has to see the irritation on my face. I was woken form my sleep, yet again, and I wake up mad. How does she feel? scared? shameful? sad?
Just thinking of her experiencing those emotions as a result from my anger – my failure as a parent – my inability to practice patience, well that thought really hurts. I always think “I need to be better” but when the time comes I never am. How can I be a better parent? How can I be what she deserves.
Working, school full time, and her is stressful. I’m used to stress however I think it’s been catching up to me. I’m not a good mother and I probably should not have kids. I’m not friendly, I’m mechanical. I like things in order, I like schedules, and I can’t seem to let go when things aren’t done the way I want them. I get mad at a pee break in the middle of the night when I should be praising her on not wetting the bed. I get frustrated when she throws a temper tantrum because it disrupts my schedule. I get annoyed when she tries to play with me, because I don’t enjoy playing.
I don’t want her to grow up thinking I’m cold, angry, and disconnected. But the truth is those are perfect descriptors. I keep thinking I can change it and be a better mom. But, I don’t know how…