We thought our love story was epic. We put each other on the tallest pedestal, one that no one would ever live up to.
Every time we walked into each other’s lives we flipped the whole damn world upside down. Everything would crumble as we stood and watched. Flames could surround us, swallow us, but neither one would pick up the extinguisher to put the fire out. Neither of us would put it out until it was too late, until after someone got hurt. We were too wrapped up in this one person. The person we painted with all our favorite colors. Our hearts would beat faster and our feet wouldn’t move out of the chaos, because in that moment any taste of that feeling felt worthy of the aftermath. This idea of a “soul mate” allowed us to accept toxicity as love – Man, we really thought we were it. “Soulmate” was an excuse to run back to something that existed so long ago and will never exist again.
Yet, there is a spot in my heart where I can’t erase your name. It’s a home you made for yourself, no matter how hard I try to rid any evidence of your stay I can’t.
I couldn’t save you without destroying myself. For so long, I was willing to do it. To sacrifice anything to “save” you. A past version of myself would throw away anything to be whatever you needed. But, I grew. I found myself, I found love that is worthy, and I found that life without you is just as meaningful. I learned to love myself and let that be enough. I learned that our past is toxic, unhealthy, and addictive. We both know once your an addict you’re always an addict and I cannot give up my sobriety. I plan to cover up the tattoo I got to “represent” this eternal love. The final end to this book. I need to accept it’s story, celebrate it’s ending, and lock the door.
Once upon a time you were my world. Your voice made my heart soar, your songs filled my life, your touch lifted the hair on my arms, and your embrace was my serenity. Until one day this was no longer true. One day, your voice became my pain. Your songs broke me. Your touch brought me to tears. Your embrace was lifeless. Your dead arms around my body were no longer your truth. You stopped choosing me even though I fought for you.
Years of pain, lies, threats, suicide attempts, pregnancies, loss, love, laughs, embraces, drugs, pleads, tears, screams, mental hospitals, love letters, beating hearts, dying hearts, memories, happiness and sadness. These are what I will remember.
I appreciate the lessons you taught me. I have grown in ways you will never know or see. My heart has learned to beat to a different song. I learned what love should not feel like, and more importantly I learned what love should really be. Relationships are about choosing someone. And I don’t choose you anymore. I will never choose you again. Not because you’re bad, or unworthy, but because we can’t hurt anymore. I know a part of you tried. We must learn to love others better than we loved each other. We must learn to grow from our pain. Above all, we must learn to say goodbye and actually mean it.
If anyone out there is in a toxic relationship I hope you can learn to love yourself enough to walk away. To seek sobriety. To unlearn every negative aspect you learned about love and start fresh. To clean your slate of the pain, suffering, and heartbreak. To no longer accept anything less than love, respect, and happiness. This is your life – you don’t need them. I promise.