I am now certain that I’m hypomanic right now. I’m not even sure how long I’ve been this way. There were identifiable warning signs going back to two weeks ago. I wonder if sometimes I just slide into hypomania. Like, it just progresses you know? How long have I been living here?
First you notice you’ve been calling into work, it’s okay because one day I can’t do this anymore when I have a full-time job. You notice the more consistent urge to smoke or drink, it just relaxes me. You schedule a tattoo appointment, but you’ve been wanting this tattoo anyways so it’s fine. You spend a little too much at Target, but it’s all for investment purposes (like yoga, exercise, etc). You take out an extra $5000 loan, you need it. You notice your thoughts are all over the fucking board. You get stuck in fantasies about a future, one filled with yoga, meditation, and writing. You want sex, really fucking bad. And then all of a sudden you’re laying in bed with only 4 hours of sleep and you cannot turn off your mind. Thoughts fly from one end of the mind to the other only to reappear again a couple minuets later. Repetitive thoughts, new thoughts, old thoughts. At this point you start to think about thinking. You realize you’ve been up for three hours tossing and turning, trying to sleep, staring at the fucking ceiling and counting backwards from 100 who knows how many times. Any trick or tip you learned in my mindfulness groups or during my own meditations doesn’t work here – you’re just too wired.
Finally, you sleep for another three hours. Then you’re up, it’s 7AM so it’s appropriate to be awake.
My body is tired, I can feel the physical strain. But I am wide awake, still feeling on top of the world, but aware of where my energy level is. Man – I need to keep up with recording my moods. Anyone else have this struggle? Bipolar is tricky…. I’m always learning more about it, trying to live in harmony with it. Sometimes I get nervous one day I’ll experience Mania… and then what?
At least it’s not a depressive episode.